Rob Henderson's Advice on Writing a Memoir: Vulnerability, Pacing, and Cutting What Makes You Look Good
Rob Henderson grew up in foster care. He joined the Air Force, got into Yale, earned a PhD at Cambridge, and wrote Troubled, a memoir that became a National Bestseller and one of The Economist's best books of 2024. He also coined the term "luxury beliefs."
His writing advice comes from David Perell's How I Write podcast and his "On Writing" essay on Substack.
Cut What Makes You Look Good
Henderson's rule: any memory that makes him look good had to be seriously examined. He kept it only if it was essential to a point. If a story made him look bad, he erred on the side of keeping it.
This is the opposite of how most people write about themselves. We instinctively curate. Henderson instinctively exposes. The result is trust. Readers sense when a writer is holding back. They lean in when a writer is not.
Write Matter-of-Factly About Difficult Things
Henderson focuses on conveying experience in a matter-of-fact way rather than dwelling on internal emotional states. He does not write "I was devastated." He writes what happened and lets the reader feel the devastation.
This is show-don't-tell applied to memoir. The facts carry the emotion. The writer steps back.
First Drafts Are Private
Write with the "door closed," as Stephen King advises. Initial drafts are only for yourself. Nobody reads first drafts. This reduces performance anxiety. You are not writing for an audience yet. You are writing to discover what you think.
This echoes Lamott's shitty first drafts and Klinkenborg's insistence that you discover what you think by writing, not before.
Clarity Over Cleverness
Readers are "busy, tired, distracted." Write so they understand without re-reading. Remove modifiers that add nothing. "Very happy" becomes "happy." Avoid pretentious language. Words like "attire," "surmise," and "deem" alienate readers.
Good writing disappears. Readers focus on ideas, not language. If they notice the prose, it is probably too ornate.
Earn Trust Through Vulnerability
Reveal unflattering truths about yourself. Readers distrust sanitized self-presentations. The paradox of memoir: the more honest you are about your failures, the more the reader believes your successes.
Start With Chaos
Henderson's process: index cards, notes app dictations, scattered ideas. Block time deliberately. Write even without a clear topic. Embrace the mess. Order comes from revision, not from planning.
The War of Art for Writer's Block
Henderson recommends Pressfield's The War of Art for overcoming resistance. Remind yourself nobody reads first drafts. Working through resistance is part of the process. Not a sign that something is wrong.
Finish, Do Not Perfect
Done beats perfect. At some point, declare work finished rather than endlessly revising. Henderson shares manuscripts with trusted readers for feedback, makes revisions, and ships. Perfectionism is the enemy of publication.
Key Takeaways
- Cut stories that make you look good. Keep stories that make you look human.
- Write difficult experiences matter-of-factly. Let facts carry emotion.
- First drafts are private. Write with the door closed.
- Clarity beats cleverness. Remove every unnecessary word.
- Trust comes from vulnerability, not self-promotion.
- Start messy. Order emerges from revision.
- Finish things. Done beats perfect.
Henderson's approach is the opposite of AI-generated memoir, which is polished, generic, and carefully optimized to say nothing offensive. Real memoir is rough, specific, and uncomfortable. AI can help you tighten the prose after you have done the hard work of being honest.
This post draws from Henderson's appearance on How I Write and his "On Writing" essay. Athens is an AI writing editor for writers who do their own thinking.